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ADHD in men: what to tell your doctor

What to say when you've always been "fine".

Maybe your child has just been diagnosed, and the questions on the form described you. Or you've been told for years it's stress or depression, and it never quite fit.

Appointments are short. With ADHD, the thing you meant to say is often the thing you remember in the car park afterwards.

So write it down first, and tick what sounds like you. Take this page to your doctor (your GP in the UK), or hand it over.

Tick boxes don't save. Screenshot or print the page when you're done.

How ADHD can get missed

ADHD in men often doesn't look like the restless boy at the back of the class. For you it might look like this:

• You're fine at work, then snap at the people at home.
• A drink is the only thing that gets your head to go quiet.
• You take risks on the road or with money, and only think about it afterwards.
• You've changed jobs a lot. You start strong, then lose interest.
• You keep going for weeks, then shut down completely.
• Your child is diagnosed, and you recognise yourself.

These often get put down to stress or depression. Sometimes that's part of it. ADHD can be there as well, unnoticed for decades.

None of these on its own means ADHD. A specialist looks for a pattern that started in childhood, shows up in more than one part of your life, causes real problems, and isn't better explained by something else.

Depression and trauma can look very similar to ADHD, and so can heavy drinking. A good assessment looks at all of them, and more than one can be true.

Before the appointment

• Ask for a longer appointment if you can. Say it's about ADHD and you have a few things to cover.
• Write your top 3 points at the top of the page. If you only get through those, you've done it.
• Bring someone if it helps. They can take notes or remind you what you wanted to say.
• Bring a list of any medication you take, including anything you buy yourself.
• Ask a parent or older sibling what you were like as a child. Write down what they say. If that isn't possible or safe, say so. School reports or old records can help instead.
• It's fine to say at the start: "I've written things down because I lose track when I'm under pressure."

Tick what sounds like you

Ticking these doesn't make you a bad partner or dad. It gives your doctor the full picture.

Tick the ones that are true most of the time, not just in a bad week. If you print the page, write a real example next to anything you tick. Examples help more than labels.

Focus and work

See: ADHD at work: what helps

Admin and money

Restless and impatient

Temper and mood

Tick these for yourself. You choose what you hand over.

See: ADHD rage: when it takes over

Home and relationships

Being a dad

Switching off and risk

Gambling worries? In the UK, the National Gambling Helpline (GamCare) is free on 0808 8020 133. Elsewhere, find a helpline at findahelpline.com.

Childhood and school

ADHD starts in childhood, so the specialist will ask about it. If thinking about childhood brings up hard memories, you don't have to write it all down. You can say "this is hard to talk about."

Family history

ADHD often runs in families. If your child has been diagnosed, tell your doctor. It's relevant to you too.

Other things to mention

ADHD often comes with other conditions. Tick any that apply:

Don't stop any medication without talking to your doctor first.

If you tick thoughts of suicide, tell your doctor at the start of the appointment, not the end. If you have a plan to end your life or feel unsafe now, call your emergency number (999 in the UK) or go to A&E or the emergency department. In England, Scotland and Wales you can also call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option.

Ask: "Could any of these be linked to ADHD, and can we look at them too?"

How the appointment works

• Your doctor may ask you to fill in a short questionnaire. A common one is called the ASRS. It doesn't diagnose you. It helps them decide what to do next.
• They will probably ask about your mood and sleep, and how much you drink or use drugs. Answer honestly. ADHD and heavy drinking often go together, and specialists see it often. Honest answers help them send you to the right service.
• What you tell your doctor is confidential. There are rare exceptions, when someone is at serious risk. If you'd rather not write some things down, say them out loud instead.
• Some services won't assess while drinking or drug use is heavy, and may ask you to get help with that first or alongside. In the UK you can usually refer yourself to your local drug and alcohol service, free.

What to say:

• "I'd like to be referred for an adult ADHD assessment."
• Explain how it affects your work and your home life.
• If you're told it's stress or depression: "That may be part of it. I'd still like ADHD looked at, because this goes back to childhood."
• "What is the waiting time locally?"

In the UK

In the NHS, your GP doesn't diagnose ADHD. They listen, then decide whether to refer you to a specialist adult ADHD service. NHS waiting lists for an adult ADHD assessment can be long. In some areas it's years.

In England, you may be able to use NHS Right to Choose. This means you can choose which NHS-funded provider assesses you. Some have shorter waits.

• Your GP has to make the referral. You can't self-refer.
• The provider must hold an NHS contract, and your GP must agree the referral is clinically appropriate.
• Ask: "If I'm diagnosed through a Right to Choose provider, will you agree to shared care for my medication?" Not every GP accepts shared care from every provider.
• Some providers keep prescribing if your GP won't agree to shared care. Many don't. Ask before you choose.
• If you choose another provider, your original local referral may close. Check before you decide.

Right to Choose is England only. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, ask your GP what the local route and waiting time are.

Outside the UK

The first step is usually the same: see your family doctor and take this page.

• United States: start with your primary care doctor. Some assess and treat adult ADHD themselves. Others refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist for an adult ADHD evaluation. What you pay depends on your insurance.
• Canada: start with your family doctor. They may assess you or refer you to a psychiatrist. Wait times vary by province. Private assessments by a psychologist are usually not covered by provincial health plans, though some workplace benefits help.
• Australia: start with your GP. They can refer you to a psychiatrist. Medicare covers part of the psychiatrist's fee, and the rest can be high. Waits can be long. Rules on who can prescribe ADHD medication differ by state.
• New Zealand: start with your GP. They can refer you to public mental health services, or you can see a private psychiatrist. Public services often only take more severe cases. Ask your GP what they can do, as the rules have been changing.
• Ireland: start with your GP. They can refer you to an HSE adult ADHD clinic, usually through your local mental health team. Waits can be long. Many people pay for a private assessment.
• Anywhere else: start with your family doctor, and ask who assesses adult ADHD where you live.

If you're diagnosed: medication

• ADHD medication is usually started by a specialist.
• Before you start, they check your blood pressure and heart rate, and your weight. They ask about your own heart symptoms, like fainting or chest pain, and heart problems in your family. Some people need a heart tracing (ECG). This doesn't usually stop treatment.
• Tell the specialist about drinking or drug use. It can affect which medication they offer.
• In the UK, once your dose is settled, some areas ask your GP to take over prescribing. This is called a shared care agreement. Not every GP agrees to it, especially after a private diagnosis. If you're thinking of going private, ask your GP before you pay.
• Ask: "Who will prescribe and review my medication once it's started?"

During the appointment

• Read from your list. That's fine.
• If you come across as calm and coping, say so: "I'm good at looking fine. This list is what's actually happening."
• If you get frustrated or upset, you can say so and carry on.
• Ask your doctor to write down anything important, or write it down yourself before you leave the room.
• Before you leave, ask: "What happens next, and when?"
• If you feel dismissed, you can ask: "Can you note in my records that I asked for this?"

After

• Write down what was agreed.
• Put any follow-up dates in your phone straight away.
• If you don't hear back when they said, call the surgery or clinic and ask where the referral is.

Ideas for winding down in the evening: The Off-Switch Kit (£3).

Waiting for a referral and want someone to talk it through with? The Direct Line (18+): a month of WhatsApp support with me. £10 for a month's support. One payment, nothing renews.

General information from lived experience and published research. I'm not a clinician, and this isn't medical advice.

Next step: Tick what fits, then print or screenshot this page. Book the appointment.